A snippet of my latest single 'Mapenzi'. Have a listen and let me know what you think.

ZIKI 1.mp3uuuu

DOWN WITH THIS MADNESS!

"It's been a hard day's night and I've been working like a dog, it's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log"...
THE BEATLES, HARD DAY'S NIGHT

 This blog is supposed to be about my life and music right? Well it ain't pretty, if you're getting out of the wagon, do it now!

The glamour, nutta. The fame, ain't worth talking about and by the way, don't ever buy into the lie that folks don't wish for it, dream about it, you know "focus on the task ahead and then it will come". Call it as it is, we all wonna be famous, what differs is the degree. We all desire it, we desire the glory and recognition. Of course it's an entirely different story when you're famous for well, all the wrong reasons..

This here story though, ain't about the fame per say but rather, the unbelievably stressful vibe that goes into cutting a record just one record. Here goes..

So a certain producer offered to record my music as an 'exchange' for a performance I did awhile back. On the week we'd scheduled the recording, things took an interesting turn. The guitarist stopped picking up my calls (I figured he's running cos there was no money in the deal). Meaning I was basically stuck and we had to reschedule, again, for the umpteenth time. The very next week I hooked up with yet another guitarist (let's just say that in this business you become a langa for instrumentalists, musically speaking till the day you become established...) but then he got a high profile gig and had to dump me, no hard feelings, to go to Uganda for the job. In the end I just shut down and decided to give up on the recording.. too stressful to do it. Book rehearsal space, get a guitarist and percussionist who'll gel, teach them the music-chords and all, synch our schedules, pay for transport and the actual recording; and live my life as a mother, daughter, friend etc whoa! Too much, just couldn't take it. I also realise that if I had hard cash for this project, we would be having a totally different convo on my music and progress. Just in case you've wondered where I've been, well, I've been on my 9-5 job, part time, I have a couple of unfinished recordings. They are promising but it's quite expensive so.. working my butt off to finish up on the budget and then I'll get back to gigging. Honestly, I miss the stage. performing just does it for me.

You can't force people to believe in your vision or to wait it out. They've got to have a good reason for sticking it out with you through the bad times; when you're struggling with your dream and through the good times, when it all finally comes together. In my experience, chasing my dream has cost me friends, relationships, lots of sleep and some sanity but still, I count myself blessed, yes blessed. I'm convinced that throughout the madness and misery, there has to be something amazing in store for me. A thank you for all this trouble. If you've stuck it out with me on any level, thank you. There will be something to show for it one of these fine days...

Had a chat most recently with a pal of mine, a producer who was visiting from Portugal and he said something interesting; that moments on stage just seem to cure everything; the issues of life , you know, bad hair days, long hours in traffic, horrible relationships, bad sex or no sex.. etc. Lolest! I honestly agree, being on stage, performing or as I like to call it giving my heart is therapeutic. In that instant, nothing else matters. Nothing. Just that moment.. I look forward to it. Got mad issues to resolve:)

WALLS

You drive me up the wall.
You blocked the light from my eyes.
No, scrap that.
I let you blind me.
Seasons have come and gone.
I have worked through venom to reach out to forgiveness.
If you wreck this wall, be warned.
The contents on the other side will not be as forgiving.
I'm FINE without the thought of owning this love.
In retrospect, I've done more than that.
I've buried it.
I've got a real dead love for you right now.
Get on with it and leave.

VACATE.

I long for: 
                      long wAlks on the beACh with my Black toes starinG at the vast bLues skIeS....

                      I muSt be reliVing my yester years where no PaiN included mY desirEs...I jUst took aNd swayed on mY wAy, nO reGRets.

                     I do nOt wAnt to meEt tHat pErSon aGaiN but sHe kEeps shOwing Up liKe An UnWanted guEst from UpCountry, chEriShEd buT Can't thEy just Call before thEy show uP?

                          I SUCk at tHis fOrgivEnesS thIng.. I dOn't waNt to forgeT eithEr.

                   caN't wE jUst go tO The bEach aNd forGet whAt I saId earLieR?

SUGAR AND SPICE...

Girls are sweet and spicy; nice and agreeable; irrational and unpredictable; feisty and complicated. At least in my opinion..Sometimes we can be all of these things all at once. Like today for example.

Though you may not tell, I have a flu & a bit of heart trouble (seeing as Valentine's coming up and people who are called Valentine are naturally supposed to have a Valentine; I'm just saying....)

I on the other hand, having been named  V-a-l-e-n-t-i-n-e... That's it, I don't have any thing more to add. Really!

So I have a show in two hours time..make up comes in handy so I don't look like last night's dinner. hmmph

I love my work but today..I just wish I was in bed. Alone. Relaxing and sleeping it off. Resting my heart, mind and soul. It's Friday after all. 

Can't we just postpone Valentine's until I find my Valentine? I've figured out who I'd like it to be, it's just that he hasn't.

 So today I'm sugar and spice; sweet and sour; feisty and complicated all at once.

Can you blame me? 

GIFT FROM HEAVEN

Gratia-gift from heaven.

It's been a good day. Good? You ask; yes good. First, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, rants, conversations etc. Knowing that you appreciate my words makes me smile!

Oh so back to my 'good' day. I'm alive, sane (I think), a little randy (did I just type that!) but focused... despite a few distractions & excited about my new play. Well not so new considering it opened last Wednesday and there are only 5 more shows to go.

 I play a ... very..um, how do i put it? A very.. blunt and risque character; who's slightly intimidating (she speaks & acts her mind) & from the looks of the audience,( who are sometimes a bit unnerved by the character's audacious mannerisms) she is quite a number.

I must admit, I'm enjoying it. Every little bit. Kinda scares me..

I almost dressed like her today but before I left the house, someone pointed out that I might be internalizing my character (Gratia) just a tee wee much...

I changed...grudgingly..My excuse? I wanted to feel 'light'. But I have to ask..myself.. Am I in(side) her (Gratia) or is she in me? 

Dilemma...

Shows are on from tomorrow, Wednesday at 7 till Sat at 3. Sat 6 pm show is sold out. Yeah, that's how good the cast of six is, so don't miss out ! 

Life Happens..

"Why are they celebrating broken things, I don't want a world with broken things", so says John Mayer in his song 'Someone Speak For Me'.

This words ring so true in my heart. I hate goodbyes, break ups, conflicts..I hate it when people I love or cherish leave. I hate it even more when they act like they had a tea party with the devil's evil twin, who in turn poisoned them against me (that's just the only way to explain their weird behaviour. Just in case you're wondering, I'm as saintly as they come; of course it's never my fault! )

Guess what? Life happens. People leave. Love ends. Friends walk away. All the time.

I've taken to reading more and more. In fact, these past three weekends I've been indoors reading up on few books namely: Frank Mc Court's 'Tis and Helen Fielding's 'Bridget Jones Diary'. I guess I just wanted to remember what it's like to be in my own skin whilst enjoying my company. That said, there are a few people whom I genuinely miss... and I can't tell them this face to face because they;

1.  might not believe me
2. it might be too soon..
3. the separation might be a good thing, in the long run.

Still, I don't want a world with broken things....

THE DAY...

A busy Wednesday no?

POISON FOR ONE

You don't know forgiveness until you're lying on the floor with both your hands holding on to your insides & you are sure you're about to die.

Your chest thumps like giant drums vast heavy sounds, tribal chants. For a moment there it feels like the ants are in your ears tearing away at your heart,

then you hush...

A fighting spirit rises in your throat from a divine source whispering, you cannot be slave to pain..slave to the chains that somehow

made their way from the past locked your arms and refused

to let you breathe the only way you will live through

the night is if you just

FORGIVE.

CLOSURE

  It hit me a couple of days after the whole thing how I'd effed up.  R.O.Y.A.L. I had been tricked. I could have sworn I was smarter than that. I wanted to just lay back and deny it was I , my excuse was that my brain was all scattered and I chose to listen to my heart..but no! It was too late. My honour I could not re-take. This day I woke up and instead of that blunt, numbing pain pursuing me, I pursued it and demanded for answers that I may never get but nonetheless, I wanted to know why. 

 So I made some dum mistakes but my dreams you can't take. I made it, I survived in fact I more than survived, I THRIVED! You can't curse what's already blessed, don't you know? A new day has arrived and I'm free baby! Destiny's calling....


Now, in this moment, my solace is a share of the dignity you spared me. That's my weapon of choice to face a new day..With this simple thoughts, a strong will coupled with a resilient spirit,  I will go for it and replace what you misplaced. I will be back.

FOUR AGAIN.

I'm four years old.
Nothing can go wrong.
Everything is happy.
I'm ever smiling.

Got a big, glowing light that shines right through my bright smile.
My eyes are smiling too.
I'm all smiles.


My favourite outfit is my "Sports Billy' tshirt with red stripes and a baby blue skirt, with whites leggings and black baby doll shoes.

I look and feel nice, pretty like a princess.
I feel pretty!

Everything is right in my world.
My short curly hair is done in a neat fro,
it frames my chubby face and bubbly cheeks, cute!
Baby fat, cute fat, awww!
I'm the baby whose cheeks you can't help but pinch! Everyone wants to smile with me....


I'm four years old.

I can still jump into my mamas and daddy's big bed and sleep in their cosy arms till morning light.

I'm protected and loved.

Wish I could be four years again.

FINALLY HERE!

Can't believe it's been more than a month since I posted something..anything even.

It's been a most dramatic period for me and I must admit that even though I didn't come out of it smelling like roses, I managed and that's more than enough. Any new developments? Hmm let's see, I'm happily single, I'm gigging actively, writing (music) a whole lot more and oh yes, I finally cut my hair.

Going by the reactions I've received, most people are still in shock that I happily said goodbye to my 8 year old dreadlocks. I'm  however, pretty excited by the change. It's funny how people seem to have taken it harder than I expected. Even harder than I have. C.H.A.N.G.E can be a tricky thing especially when it gets you unprepared..

Apart from being the month of change , it also happens to be my birthday month. I'll be turning...yeah right. You'll have to wait a long time before I let the cat out of the bag! Maybe when I release my album..maybe.

Here's to change and new paths! 

MISS OCTOBER

This October realise:

• It's not by luck or mysterious fortune that you're reading this post. Be grateful for making it this far- there 91 days remaining in 2012 .Thank God while you're at it!

• You can still catch up on those resolutions: eat more chocolate cake, date someone dangerous to your mental health,try a new drug just to be cool..To be fair, how else will you ever know that these things are bad for you? 

• OMG!*Insert Kim Kardashian voice/tone/pout better known as BSD>>blonde speech defect, oh wait..she's a brunette oh well, " like my birthday is like in 60 days, how did like 2012 go so fast? I was like 24 like last yearrr!"

Lastly, party like it's 2012, cos it is! You know you'll pay for all binge drinking,smoking and s*** but enjoy! The good book, somewhere in Ephesians I think (Read your bible heathen:)clearly states that we should enjoy our youth while we still can: Note youth here only applies to those with enough money for reconstructive surgery after damaging all their vitals in the name of living it up. If you're a "sufferer" please stick to soda- it will kill you slower even when it masquerades as "Zero"!

Happy new month!!

BEAUTIFUL BEYOND

Rainbow you never stay
vibrant colors that light up after the storm
but rainbow, you don't stay.

No one said rain would fall on a sunny day.
You'd leave without warning
I'd be here ashamed for I never said how good it was to see you..
I never did.

So where do you disappear to?
Beyond the trees, the sky seems to kiss the earth
a beautiful place I've never seen
the place where the clouds meet the ground
at the end of the earth.





I lost you.
I ran across to find you.
Marked time 
stubborn 
I thought I could pause time...
But you were gone before I could reach you.
You took the hues of red, green, violet, crimson, blue with you.
I can't get used to this place without you.

As you travel on,
look back where your joy once lay.
We will sing your song
write music to fill the vacuum anew.

Open spaces
so wide
hollow darkness
the finality of your goodbye.

Rainbow.
Hope to meet you again.
Someday soon.

THE LENS

GEEK MODE...

INTROSPECTIVE..

THE THINKER...

PASSION ABOUND...

FEISTY..

STEEL WILL

Don't ask her to get out, get out now .
Don't assume you know her story better than she. 
She's mustered enough grace not to blast you to your face for assuming that she wouldn't know if the boat was rocking too hard.

Don't presume her strange for taking on the up hill task of falling and getting up, all in one breathe.
You have to know her moves are calculated as they are simple and nonchalant; for all intents & purposes.







Don't blame her for taking a chance, it's more than what most people are willing to do in one lifetime.
At least she tried.
Who knows? Her efforts might bear fruit for all to see and thus, 'understand' the method to her madness.

Don't underestimate the power behind her subtle moves.
Don't ignore her magnetic resilience.
Just don't.

WISHING YOU HOPE!

 It's annoying when you can't seem to get over a betrayal, heartbreak or disappointing moment in your life quickly enough- I know it is for me. I tend to go over the events, replaying them over and over again, refusing to admit that what's done is done. I go as far as reenacting the scenario and  occasionally try to see what I could have done differently thus sinking deeper and deeper into the mess instead of the opposite.

One wise man said and I quote; 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results,' (Albert Einstein).

He must have known there would be moments like this cos I've come close, this close... Ah well! It's time to let go, something better is here, not on the way, here already. The sun's shining and like another wise man said, (this one's still alive, thank God), 'Don't let your environment determine your atmosphere.'

I figure, if I didn't have love or compassion even when the reasons to forgive run out, I wouldn't be here. The good and the bad have shaped me into this super- bad ass female that I've become.

Today, I accept my mistakes, failure and everything in between. So it didn't work out,fine;  something else far better is gonna come and surprise all this heartbreak out of me. Idealist? Yes it is, very and I accept it.

Nothing good ever happened without a good dose of faith anyway- so no matter what any one says hope away!

QUESTION OF FAITH

Don't forget to oil your elbows and cornrows
the caking dryness of your cuts and bruises.
We mustn't reveal the true nature of things.
You cannot forget to put yourself together pretty,
dress up the scars and put on some lip-stick on your dry, peeling lips,
dye dying shoes, weather the changing tide fashionably,
who knew you had it in you.

Let's not forget to speak to things as if they were for them to become,
courage contained comes from the curious ravings of mad men,
sometimes called faith.

Umbrella on a sunshiny day,
waiting for the rain to clear, blue sky.
We cannot succumb to realism
Too harsh to face
we can hardly relate.


When the waiting becomes wanting,
Job's patience combined with David's courage,

Paul's letters reaching out from time past
I become the song of broken, desolate souls.

So until the rain shows up to quench this parched ground
and make the fruit sprout,
I arise each day to my routine and do my thing.
Wait.

Let the herald arrive with my revelation,
Erase the desolation.
He's not late or early,
Write on time.

L.I.F.E RELOADED

Live life and love.
Love life and live.
Life was made for living.
Up & down motions remind you to appreciate every moment.
Be content with what you've got.
Expect the best, hope against all hope.
Be patient.
A little suspense makes it juicier.
Loving yourself with the good and the bad makes you stronger.
A genuine smile at least 10 times everyday makes you younger.
Forgiveness makes us lighter,
Hard work makes us tougher if not wealthier,
to top it all up, the sun makes everything brighter.

Get up, take a big spoon and have a BIG bite of life!

YOU + ME= US

If you'll watch over me, I'll watch over you. We've got each other through thick & thin, no one can put us asunder.

We'll stick it out till the end cos that's the way our love goes.

I'm done with all this cynicism. So what if I'm the only one?

I believe, I believe and I'll make you a believer yet .

If you let me.

If I have most fancy things, fame and as much fortune as I can muster but have not LOVE then I'm nothing...

I don't have all these fancy things, but I'm fortunate than most because I have LOVE. , I know LOVE.

I've got you!

Stick by me and you'll see; it just keeps getting better...



Sincerely in-love, mushy and proud of it,

Z.