CLOSURE

  It hit me a couple of days after the whole thing how I'd effed up.  R.O.Y.A.L. I had been tricked. I could have sworn I was smarter than that. I wanted to just lay back and deny it was I , my excuse was that my brain was all scattered and I chose to listen to my heart..but no! It was too late. My honour I could not re-take. This day I woke up and instead of that blunt, numbing pain pursuing me, I pursued it and demanded for answers that I may never get but nonetheless, I wanted to know why. 

 So I made some dum mistakes but my dreams you can't take. I made it, I survived in fact I more than survived, I THRIVED! You can't curse what's already blessed, don't you know? A new day has arrived and I'm free baby! Destiny's calling....


Now, in this moment, my solace is a share of the dignity you spared me. That's my weapon of choice to face a new day..With this simple thoughts, a strong will coupled with a resilient spirit,  I will go for it and replace what you misplaced. I will be back.

FOUR AGAIN.

I'm four years old.
Nothing can go wrong.
Everything is happy.
I'm ever smiling.

Got a big, glowing light that shines right through my bright smile.
My eyes are smiling too.
I'm all smiles.


My favourite outfit is my "Sports Billy' tshirt with red stripes and a baby blue skirt, with whites leggings and black baby doll shoes.

I look and feel nice, pretty like a princess.
I feel pretty!

Everything is right in my world.
My short curly hair is done in a neat fro,
it frames my chubby face and bubbly cheeks, cute!
Baby fat, cute fat, awww!
I'm the baby whose cheeks you can't help but pinch! Everyone wants to smile with me....


I'm four years old.

I can still jump into my mamas and daddy's big bed and sleep in their cosy arms till morning light.

I'm protected and loved.

Wish I could be four years again.

FINALLY HERE!

Can't believe it's been more than a month since I posted something..anything even.

It's been a most dramatic period for me and I must admit that even though I didn't come out of it smelling like roses, I managed and that's more than enough. Any new developments? Hmm let's see, I'm happily single, I'm gigging actively, writing (music) a whole lot more and oh yes, I finally cut my hair.

Going by the reactions I've received, most people are still in shock that I happily said goodbye to my 8 year old dreadlocks. I'm  however, pretty excited by the change. It's funny how people seem to have taken it harder than I expected. Even harder than I have. C.H.A.N.G.E can be a tricky thing especially when it gets you unprepared..

Apart from being the month of change , it also happens to be my birthday month. I'll be turning...yeah right. You'll have to wait a long time before I let the cat out of the bag! Maybe when I release my album..maybe.

Here's to change and new paths! 

MISS OCTOBER

This October realise:

• It's not by luck or mysterious fortune that you're reading this post. Be grateful for making it this far- there 91 days remaining in 2012 .Thank God while you're at it!

• You can still catch up on those resolutions: eat more chocolate cake, date someone dangerous to your mental health,try a new drug just to be cool..To be fair, how else will you ever know that these things are bad for you? 

• OMG!*Insert Kim Kardashian voice/tone/pout better known as BSD>>blonde speech defect, oh wait..she's a brunette oh well, " like my birthday is like in 60 days, how did like 2012 go so fast? I was like 24 like last yearrr!"

Lastly, party like it's 2012, cos it is! You know you'll pay for all binge drinking,smoking and s*** but enjoy! The good book, somewhere in Ephesians I think (Read your bible heathen:)clearly states that we should enjoy our youth while we still can: Note youth here only applies to those with enough money for reconstructive surgery after damaging all their vitals in the name of living it up. If you're a "sufferer" please stick to soda- it will kill you slower even when it masquerades as "Zero"!

Happy new month!!

BEAUTIFUL BEYOND

Rainbow you never stay
vibrant colors that light up after the storm
but rainbow, you don't stay.

No one said rain would fall on a sunny day.
You'd leave without warning
I'd be here ashamed for I never said how good it was to see you..
I never did.

So where do you disappear to?
Beyond the trees, the sky seems to kiss the earth
a beautiful place I've never seen
the place where the clouds meet the ground
at the end of the earth.





I lost you.
I ran across to find you.
Marked time 
stubborn 
I thought I could pause time...
But you were gone before I could reach you.
You took the hues of red, green, violet, crimson, blue with you.
I can't get used to this place without you.

As you travel on,
look back where your joy once lay.
We will sing your song
write music to fill the vacuum anew.

Open spaces
so wide
hollow darkness
the finality of your goodbye.

Rainbow.
Hope to meet you again.
Someday soon.

THE LENS

GEEK MODE...

INTROSPECTIVE..

THE THINKER...

PASSION ABOUND...

FEISTY..

STEEL WILL

Don't ask her to get out, get out now .
Don't assume you know her story better than she. 
She's mustered enough grace not to blast you to your face for assuming that she wouldn't know if the boat was rocking too hard.

Don't presume her strange for taking on the up hill task of falling and getting up, all in one breathe.
You have to know her moves are calculated as they are simple and nonchalant; for all intents & purposes.







Don't blame her for taking a chance, it's more than what most people are willing to do in one lifetime.
At least she tried.
Who knows? Her efforts might bear fruit for all to see and thus, 'understand' the method to her madness.

Don't underestimate the power behind her subtle moves.
Don't ignore her magnetic resilience.
Just don't.

WISHING YOU HOPE!

 It's annoying when you can't seem to get over a betrayal, heartbreak or disappointing moment in your life quickly enough- I know it is for me. I tend to go over the events, replaying them over and over again, refusing to admit that what's done is done. I go as far as reenacting the scenario and  occasionally try to see what I could have done differently thus sinking deeper and deeper into the mess instead of the opposite.

One wise man said and I quote; 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results,' (Albert Einstein).

He must have known there would be moments like this cos I've come close, this close... Ah well! It's time to let go, something better is here, not on the way, here already. The sun's shining and like another wise man said, (this one's still alive, thank God), 'Don't let your environment determine your atmosphere.'

I figure, if I didn't have love or compassion even when the reasons to forgive run out, I wouldn't be here. The good and the bad have shaped me into this super- bad ass female that I've become.

Today, I accept my mistakes, failure and everything in between. So it didn't work out,fine;  something else far better is gonna come and surprise all this heartbreak out of me. Idealist? Yes it is, very and I accept it.

Nothing good ever happened without a good dose of faith anyway- so no matter what any one says hope away!

QUESTION OF FAITH

Don't forget to oil your elbows and cornrows
the caking dryness of your cuts and bruises.
We mustn't reveal the true nature of things.
You cannot forget to put yourself together pretty,
dress up the scars and put on some lip-stick on your dry, peeling lips,
dye dying shoes, weather the changing tide fashionably,
who knew you had it in you.

Let's not forget to speak to things as if they were for them to become,
courage contained comes from the curious ravings of mad men,
sometimes called faith.

Umbrella on a sunshiny day,
waiting for the rain to clear, blue sky.
We cannot succumb to realism
Too harsh to face
we can hardly relate.


When the waiting becomes wanting,
Job's patience combined with David's courage,

Paul's letters reaching out from time past
I become the song of broken, desolate souls.

So until the rain shows up to quench this parched ground
and make the fruit sprout,
I arise each day to my routine and do my thing.
Wait.

Let the herald arrive with my revelation,
Erase the desolation.
He's not late or early,
Write on time.

L.I.F.E RELOADED

Live life and love.
Love life and live.
Life was made for living.
Up & down motions remind you to appreciate every moment.
Be content with what you've got.
Expect the best, hope against all hope.
Be patient.
A little suspense makes it juicier.
Loving yourself with the good and the bad makes you stronger.
A genuine smile at least 10 times everyday makes you younger.
Forgiveness makes us lighter,
Hard work makes us tougher if not wealthier,
to top it all up, the sun makes everything brighter.

Get up, take a big spoon and have a BIG bite of life!

YOU + ME= US

If you'll watch over me, I'll watch over you. We've got each other through thick & thin, no one can put us asunder.

We'll stick it out till the end cos that's the way our love goes.

I'm done with all this cynicism. So what if I'm the only one?

I believe, I believe and I'll make you a believer yet .

If you let me.

If I have most fancy things, fame and as much fortune as I can muster but have not LOVE then I'm nothing...

I don't have all these fancy things, but I'm fortunate than most because I have LOVE. , I know LOVE.

I've got you!

Stick by me and you'll see; it just keeps getting better...



Sincerely in-love, mushy and proud of it,

Z.

EIGHT EASY WAYS TO GET OVER YOUR LOVER.

When you can't get someone out of your system, the best lie you tell yourself is "it's over"! But it's never really over until you confess the truth, "I love you but you've done some really hurtful things to me. It's gonna take a bit of time but I'll heal. I won't die, my heart won't quit beating in fact, I do believe I've still got a lot of LOVE in me to share."

Hold Up! How about when we get into this whole routine of checking to see if they've remembered to call/text or keep our phones within reach just in case they change their minds....Hmmm.

"I'll continue to love you, for love never ends, it's just the intensity that slowly fades away... I'll move on and I choose happiness as my state of mind. I'm proud of myself- I came, I saw and I loved. Now I choose to let go."

Sounds too cheesy? Well then, take a look at these eight easy steps on how to let go!

• Listen to a bunch of broody songs, mostly John Mayer (I think he's been through a whole lot of bad relationships) .
• Eat lots of Cookies, you can vary the pastry, but trust me it has this amazing effect for two minutes or so , you'll actually believe everything is right again in your world..
• Chocolate! enough said.
• Read sad, sad stories.
• Tell everyone within earshot how the guy/girl was a looser and it was all their fault. how dare they do this to you huh?
• Now after all that binging you're seriously gonna chill on the couch and watch more sad, mushy movies (not forgetting the seriously overrated flick 'He's not that into you') ? Ok cool, I'll give you that one
• Now, stop Mopping, get out and get a life!
• Time to loose those pounds and rediscover the hotter new you then dress yourself for two: for you & someone new, work it!

See, it's never that hard. Try it & see if you won't be walking around with a smile in two weeks max.
 "And you", asks a fan, "have you tried this time tested formula?" Of course NOT silly! Don't have to. I've got a good thing going, he's the man I've been writing all those hot love songs for, this is just to help out all y'all hopeless lovers out there! Oh, and buy my music.. xoxo


Disclaimer
(This post was not officially endorsed by Ziki music.)

Fly Away (Acoustic version)

Listen up-
My song FLY AWAY; the acoustic version:

STEP ONE, BEGIN FROM ONE.

I fell off the wagon last night.
It was intentional but since I couldn't muster the strength to overcome the temptation then in my defense I'll just say it was unintentional.
Or perhaps claim temporary insanity, I don't want to do the time.
However to my credit of course, I premeditated it, for a day or two. A lot of 'thought' went into it.
Ha! Who I'm I kidding? I wanted it, BAD.
I wanted to crash land, I couldn't stand the suspense, the pain in my stomach like someone had punched me repeatedly and ran off.
The only witness present was me.

Surprisingly, I'd overcome the withdrawal symptoms longer than I'd anticipated, I was actually doing alright.

I even had some sedatives on standby, my plan to sobriety was perfect.
I know by now you think you've figured out my addiction, but hold that thought.

The problem with fighting the good fight is you eventually start giving in, after-all, everyone has a thorn in their flesh to contend with right?
I'm no exception except when I choose to be of course.

Now I'm justifying it.
I think I like it.
It's a part of me now and I don't want to loose it.
I relish the moments when I'm sucked into that big ,black hole pulling me in to a destination unknown.

I fell off the wagon with a big thud, guduf!
Touch, feel, scent, will too strong not strong enough, warmth, sweet nothings....
You've grieved me in so many ways, changed me in so many ways, twists and turns never before done, this endless dance that I cannot understand.

Perhaps I'll dust myself off and start from scratch;
or maybe I'll have one more run, who knows, it might just turn out to be fun!

NICE TO MEET YOU!

Truly Life begins when you not only learn to unlearn harmful habits but when you forgive yourself and those who've hurt you.

I'm learning how to place value to my professional engagements, personal relationships and more so, to my self worth-my own true self.

It's mind blowing how recognising one's self worth can change everything 180 degrees.
And here I am, bugging about so many things ; suddenly, all I want is the simple stuff, to be contented with what God blesses me with and a renewed zeal for life.

I can be and do so much more with the time given right?

Life is too beautiful to waste it miserable just because you can't get another person's approval.

Here's to doing me!

• A STORY IN CELEBRATION OF MONTH OF MUMMIES.
  
  A BEAUTIFUL DAISY..BUT THEN ALAS!..IT’S A LEVI.
  
  Allow me to share a little bit of my motherhood journey.
  
  A couple of years ago, when I learnt I was expectant, I was very excited like any other woman would be. I knew I wanted a girl...though I had nothing against boys. I just wanted a gal so desperately for God knows what reason. I kept asking my doc severally how soon I could do a scan to check the baby’s sex. I think I wanted to do the scan by day one! Eventually, when I got to do the scan, I was elated to find out that indeed it was a girl! I even had a glass of wine that day (don't frown)...OK...half a glass to celebrate. I decided her name would be Daisy...and Mama Daisy I became to my family and friends.
  
  I was to have a C-Section due to a medical issue...and we even set the date after really negotiating with doctor (I was tired of waiting) but lo and behold...baby had other ideas. 3 weeks before my due date, I had to have an emergency C-Section. It was late in the evening when I finally….groggily woke up from theatre. I was met with the news "Congratulations! You had a baby boy!". SAY WHAT? "What happened to Daisy?"..I asked? Is she still in my tummy? It just didn’t make sense. Well....my little boy was finally brought over...I knew his name would be Levi. Don't ask me how...since I had not prepared for a boy...but about 2 weeks before the delivery, the name Levi for a baby boy had come to mind. AND Levi it was! He was tiny...2.8kgs but looked even much….much smaller. We are big-boned people . When I first picked him, I introduced myself as the woman he would never be able to get rid off for the next of his life…. and then said hello. He opened his eyes really wide.....and then he pursed his lips together so that his mouth became very small. I burst out in laughter...for I often did this! It was my signature move. “Now that’s my son!”..I happily thought.
  
  Levi is now 4. I must say...it's been a crazy journey. At 3 weeks, a doc discovered he had pneumonia...the silent type that barely has any symptoms. We were in hosp for a week and at some point he was on oxygen. Between then and when he was 1.5, we had countless hospital visits. Asthma, Rotavirus, Gastritis…more asthma etc were some of the reasons. For two of those visits, he had to go to theater for stitching after his own misadventures. We have been to hospital so often…he knows the Nairobi Hospital logo. He always looks at it and says…”Mum…to doctor?”. I say “Yes”. He thinks going to the doctor is something exciting. I thank God he has come out of it all.
  
  By the time he was two….he had tried to milk a cow on his own (we live up country). On this particular day, my mum had watched him walk over to the cow shed and decided to see what he was up to. He ushered the cow into the milking pen (I cringe!) and sat down on the milking stool. Then suddenly, he seemed to remember something and stood up again. Levi went into the store and picked up a handful of Napier grass and gave it to the cow, then sat down again…now ready to milk. By this time, my mum had dashed over to pick him up. I almost would have wanted to see what he does next. He is quite fearless. Except when it comes to Monkeys. You need to have watched Toy Story 3 to understand!
  
  Levi learns things quickly mostly by observation and before you know it…he is doing that very thing to the letter. I had never realized he even knew cows were milked. By this time, I had noted that Levi was quite a danger to himself. A very curious child….he was prone to doing the most outrageous things. You could never leave ANYTHING lying around. I had bought a very child-proof TV…or so I thought. The buttons are the top. And I then placed the TV quite high up..and the DVD even higher. One day, I watched Levi climb onto a seat…reach the TV, change to Video Mode (am not sure how he knew what button to press)…put in a DVD (he selected one from a couple)…and press play. To this day, he is DVD DJ. Boy does he torture us! But that is just how Levi is.
  
  He has drank paraffin at my mum’s but was thankfully ok and didn’t need to be admitted. Once (ok…twice) he down a whole bottle of augmentin right after we had just gotten back from hospital. NO…am not a careless mother. You would need to meet Levi to understand. You see…child proof caps are not really child proof as Levi has proven. Our fridge was henceforth under lock and key. At 3, he took my mum’s BP meds. 9 of them…and 5 of some strong pain killers and swallowed them. My mum had just stepped out of her room to pick up a glass of water. Levi happened along and in no time….Well, we were in hospital for a day…but he was ok.
  
  He has continued to basically raise our blood pressures….(in both a good and bad way) in our household. You can never leave anything lying around. Your phone will be dismantled in minutes…and the buttons eaten. He seems to like that. He will eat sugar, dip both hands into the Jam, eat raw rice, raw spaghetti and occasionally even flour. An umbrella will be totally non-existent by the time he is done with it. He has a knack for finding “hidden things”. Leave him in your room…and he will have found even those things that you probably lost. Curiosity drives him strongly. He will remove the roller (little ball at the top) off your roll-on (I don’t know how). He will drink your lotion. Apply your nail polish, oil his hair, eat your earrings, pour all your perfume and carefully dismantle your beaded jewellery …and attempt to eat the beads. In the kitchen, he will add water to your boiling tea…till it spills over…and finally, there is only water in the sufuria and little traces of milk. He will put salt in your tea and you will only realize it when you take your first sip. In the living room, he will scratch all the DVD’s, he will write all the walls with crayons…then eat them. He will draw on every surface…including the TV screen. He will draw on the walls using anything…crayons, pens, markers…even shoe polish. Outside, he will open all the taps, he will put his hand into the car’s exhaust pipe and put soot all over his face. He will go to the outside kitchen…and play with fire. If there no fire…he will cover himself and anything else close by with ashes. He will run out into the rain and if the gate is open, he will run…and RUN. You have to call the shopkeeper down the road to catch him…cos you won’t. He will then eat the remote buttons and anything with plastic on it that he can lay his hands on. ALL IN A DAY’S WORK. I know all these are things that kids typically do…but I can assure you, Levi can combine a number of these things into one day and into the shortest time possible…Please note though…he is never without a minder or a family member to watch him.
  
  When it comes to speech…Levi will have you laughing all the time. An Elephant is a PepePhant. CNN…is Cnene. Cartoon Network is Chinene. See the distinction there? . A policeman..is a policemum…and a Panda…is a Kanda. A cup is a pack. His name is Ey Kamua….and the list goes on and on. Asking you to put the lights on…Levi is will say “Make Stima here”..pointing to the room or area.
  
  He loves logos and seems to especially love the KCB & CNN logos. Safaricom too. He sees things that others do not notice. On a huge KWS poster of a cheater…..Levi sees an elephant. There is none in the background. Where…you may wonder? Take a look at the KWS logo and you will understand. It’s tucked somewhere at the bottom of the poster. He can make formations out of anything. Give him a toothpick and pieces of cabbage…and you will have a train. He is obsessed with Chipmunks..and can watch them continuously all day. He wakes up in the morning…giggles…and starts talking about Chipmunks. Good morning will come later…if it comes. He prefers not to say it. In response go a “good morning”…you are likely to get a loud “NO” from him. He also prefers not to greet strangers completely. Sometimes, family members too. Sometimes…am included in that list.
  
  Levi also does not like wearing sweaters…or jackets. He cries if you force him. Keeping shoes and socks on lasts as long as he is out of the house. Thereafter…they are nonsensical items. Even on a cold day. He does not seem to like writing too….and does his homework in a flash…in very big letters. He does not repeat numbers or letters the way the teacher wants him to. It seems rather annoying. So when asked to write the number nine 5 times as homework or severally on a page, Levi will write one HUGE big 9. In class, when asked to write…he will close his eyes and pretend to doze off.
  
  When it comes to games…he loves playing peek-a-boo..or hide & seek in particular. It makes him laugh…over and over again. He never tires. The delight on his face is amazing. If you want to get him to smile….”peek-a-boo!”. He seems to like puzzles…and complicated games that will hold his attention for a long time. As for his toys…a few strong ones have survived his onslaught. I must applaud the manufacturers of those particular ones. bravo!
  
  He is a lovely child. Definitely, the most interesting person I have ever met! Whatever you think Levi cannot do or is beyond his age…HE CAN & HE WILL DO IT. He is autistic..we recently discovered. It makes sense… a lot of it. It’s a particular kind of autism. The same type of autism that Einsteen, Da Vinci & Mozart are suspected to have had. I have a deep feeling, his story is yet to be told. Of him…you will hear more of.
  
  I love him….I love him to bits. Am proud to be his mother.

  By Sheekow Kamau

LOVING YOU!

Going through tough lessons and re-learning love.
Starts with learning to love myself and undoing all the blaming, hating and judging that I've surrounded myself with.
I'm learning that there's a light that shines in my spirit and in my soul, and it must come out and shine free if  I've got to be me!

YELLOW.

Yellow.

Like bright lights on a dark endless road.

Like sun rays on a grey day.

Like fire sparks in a mud hut.

Like a sun kissed flower; beautiful.

Unassuming.

I'm caught up in this yellow glare of sunshine after misty days in a dark tunnel that seemed never ending.
 
Now that I'm here it seems like the strangest place.

Surprisingly, I've found warmth comforted by three tender words.

FEMININE WILES...

This week the focus was on the woman i.e. on #InternationalWomensDAY .
To all you absolutely super women, single mommies or otherwise,woman -you are an absolute gem! For Doing great things with such tiny seeds, for sprucing up this dull world with your warm and giving spirit, hats off to you! May God shine His face on our kind as we celebrate our genesis , indeed woman you/ I/we are God’s beautiful creations! Salyut!
(Proverbs 31-10)
Salute to women & womanhood . Dance to the sound of your triumphs, smile at your success and cry, a little bit, for your pain, then get up & dust yourself the journey continues. I celebrate Adam’s rib too, where would we be without our strong brothers? It feels great to be a woman!

FLY AWAY

FLY AWAY

Nenda Song

My debut single two years ago, introducing 'Nenda'.

KINANDA FESTIVAL TOMORROW, WHOOP! WHOOP!

So it's finally here, the Kinanda Festival, February edition.
My band and I have been rehearsing and I'm pretty psyched about performing at Kinanda for the first time.
I'll be performing new music as well as the not-so-new ones such as 'fly away'. By the way you can still download my music from soundcloud for free! No strings attached except that you just have to enjoy these jams cos there all for you:)

See you tomorrow at Kinanda, tupatane Kinanda!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy new year all!
This being my first post in 2012, I'm optimistic, happy and totally honoured to be alive & ready to experience another brilliant year. God is truly wonderful!

On the 31st of December I took a moment to recollect and take stock of the year that was and I was truly amazed to discover that most of my targets were realized in 2011.
It's not easy, to set goals and  work steadfastly towards achieving them but it can be done, and I can confidently say that I'm doing it by the Grace of the Almighty.

I'll also be setting up another blog, just to keep it real on life's issues on a more personal level; totally excited about that.

(God willing).. More poetry coming up, more inspiration and most definitely more beautiful music.

Peace and blessings y'all!